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Author Topic: i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh  (Read 2419 times)

Offline 4mula97

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« on: April 29, 2009, 01:39:52 AM »
RULES FOR THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin with: 'Woke up this morning....'

2. 'I got a good woman' is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, 'I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.'

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: 'Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.'

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, 'adulthood' means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway,
b. jailhouse,
c. empty bed,
d. bottom of a whiskey glass.

Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's,
b. gallery openings,
c. Ivy League institutions,
d. golf courses.

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt,
b. you blind,
c. you shot a man in Memphis,
d. you can't be satisfied.

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth,
b. you were once blind but now can see,
c. the man in Memphis lived,
d. you have a 401K or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine, b. whiskey or bourbon, c. muddy water, d. nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier, b. Chardonnay, c. Snapple, d. Slim Fast.

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie, b. Big Mama, c. Bessie, d. Fat River Dumpling.

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe, b. Willie, c. Little Willie, d. Big Willie.

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.), b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.), c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.).For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
(Well, maybe not 'Kiwi.')

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues

The newest rule: You cannot sing the blues if you drive a Hybrid - or a Miata convertible - even if you do live in Arkansas.  

#5 has long been a problem for me - at one point, the three cars in our family were a Volvo (station wagon no less), an SUV, and a BMW. Plus, I have no talent.


[?]any one ever see this?  know where it came from?[?]

99Fly Classic
BC Rich Mockingbird
Some cheap strat copy that sounds great!!
 

i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh

Offline TomL

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2009, 02:04:40 AM »
Sometimes even white people can sing the blues.

I saw Martin Mull a long while back, performing live. (he's a good guitar player, btw) He did "Suburban Blues,"  paraphrasing here...

    Woke up this morning,  both the cars were gone
    I woke up this morning, Lord Mommy,  both the cars were gone
    I felt so lowdown deep inside
    I threw my drink across the lawn
[8D][8D][8D][8D]



Tom

98 Fly Deluxe Italian Plum
98 Fly Classic Trans Red
99 Fly Jazz Trans Red
97 Fly Concert Trans Butterscotch



Those who can, do. Those who cannot, usually run the monitor mix.

www.MystikNRG.com
« Last Edit: April 29, 2009, 02:06:03 AM by TomL »
Tom


98 Fly Classic Trans Red
99 Fly Jazz Trans Red
97 Fly Concert Trans Butterscotch
98 Fly Artist Trans Butterscotch



Those who can, do. Those who cannot, usually run the monitor mix.

http://www.MystikNRG.com/

i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh

jwrooker

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2009, 06:37:36 AM »
I be Nearsighted Grapefruit Nixon..




John

98 Fly Classic w/ VPAF's - 98 Fly Concert
02 Fly Classic Hardtail - 07 Single Cut

i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh

Offline prjacobs

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2009, 07:10:59 AM »
Dyslexic Watermelon Kennedy....
 

i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh

Offline Bill

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2009, 07:22:54 AM »
Beverly Hills Blues


I woke up this morning, befo da firs sun ray,

Broke a nail in the shower, had to skip my yoga class today.

Left my lap top back at StarBucks, and never got my Mocha Latte.


My Lovelife's in recession, just like all my stocks,

I aint got no direction, I'm just drivin 'round in shock.

The GPS broke in my Lexus, I cant find my way around the block.







A few Flys in my soup
« Last Edit: April 29, 2009, 07:51:02 AM by Bill »
A few Flys in my soup

i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh

jwrooker

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« Reply #5 on: April 29, 2009, 07:50:35 AM »
quote:
Originally posted by Bill

Beverly Hills Blues


I woke up this morning, befo da firs sun ray,

Broke a nail in the shower, had to skip my yoga class today.

Left my lap top back at StarBucks, and never got my Mocha Latte.


My Lovelife's in recession, just like all my stocks,

I aint got no direction, I'm somewhere on Rodeo Drive in shock.

The GPS broke in my Lexus, I cant find my way around the block.







A few Flys in my soup



I know that song!  It's off the Flatulent Prune Clinton album!


John

98 Fly Classic w/ VPAF's - 98 Fly Concert
02 Fly Classic Hardtail - 07 Single Cut

i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh

Offline bno

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« Reply #6 on: April 29, 2009, 07:59:42 AM »
One-eyed Banana Johnson.

My old car is broken that's why I'm chokin' the blues.
Well, my sad ol' car is broken that's why I'm so choked up and blue.
'Cause I had to drive the minivan to take the kids to school.
 
Now I loves that ol' beater ain't no sweeter sound ever heard.
Yes she smells and she's rusty but trusty is the only word.
But my boys disagree with me and call her the Rolling Turd.    
 
And I say
Do you want to walk to practice?
Do you want to walk to you friends?
Go ride you bike on the highway and see how that ends.
Well my old girl done broke down and I 'fraid its the end of the road
And that drivin' girly minivan leaves my heart feelin' cold.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2009, 08:43:45 AM by bno »
'94 Fly Deluxe
Listen first, then play.

i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh

Offline captain_rusty

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« Reply #7 on: April 29, 2009, 08:40:03 AM »
"18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis."
[wipes coffee off computer screen] [:D]

David

2001 Fly Classic -> Ibanez WD7 wah -> Digidelay -> Trainwreck clone -> 1x12 Fane cabinets
Fly clip: http://rustyzone.free.fr/rusty_meltdown_44.mp3
David

2001 Fly Classic -> Digitech GSP1101 -> PA.
Band web page: www.s3cretcode.com

i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh

Offline Paul Marossy

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« Reply #8 on: April 29, 2009, 09:01:33 AM »

i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh

Offline laughinglarry

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« Reply #9 on: April 29, 2009, 11:23:51 AM »


Larry

2000 Fly Deluxe Single 2, '98 Fly Classic, '97 Fly Deluxe (with GK-2A), '08 Godin Multiac Nylon SA, '07 Steinberger GM-7TA, '89 Strat Plus, '92 Les Paul Custom, Ibanez Silver Series (Strat), Epiphone Dot, '65 Mustang, Yamaha BB3000AF, Peavey Foundation, Hamer Cruisebass
http://www.myspace.com/larrysmithmusic
www.myspace.com/karmagenerator

i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh

Offline sfw

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« Reply #10 on: April 29, 2009, 07:35:00 PM »
Stump 'nanrJoe Harding as we say from this hills of Kentucky. :)
- Scott

PM10; Few Nitefly's; Franken-Fenders
Wiggles Murray, Barbie Electric w/matching mic, American Idol electric, Pink Hello Kitty

i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh

Offline Strandwolf

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« Reply #11 on: April 29, 2009, 11:06:53 PM »
My name is Lowdown Dirty Fingerlickin' HoundDog....Smith:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne-SMy83qk0




A true friend stabs you in the front.
-Oscar Wilde
Parkers: Pick, cap, T-shirt, clock, and other assorted accouterments

i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh

Offline Bill

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« Reply #12 on: April 30, 2009, 06:18:34 AM »
Midget Willie JoeBama

I think the fruit rule only applies to California Blues.

A few Flys in my soup
A few Flys in my soup

i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh

Offline 4mula97

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« Reply #13 on: April 30, 2009, 01:20:33 PM »
portholes joeberry johnson,

but it could be worse

99Fly Classic
BC Rich Mockingbird
Some cheap strat copy that sounds great!!
 

i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh

Offline darth_b

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i read this for the first time and cant stop laugh
« Reply #14 on: April 30, 2009, 02:11:57 PM »
Clumsy DukeOrange Coolidge
Brian
Parker P-44 with a Line 6 Spider Jam - More than enough for me!