The Parker Guitars Forum

General Discussion => GENERAL DISCUSSION => Topic started by: David Tomkins on September 27, 2005, 11:28:37 AM

Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: David Tomkins on September 27, 2005, 11:28:37 AM
Did you hear about the time our bassist locked hs car keys in his car?  we had to break the window to let him out......[:D]

right, who's next?
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: Roland on September 27, 2005, 11:35:15 AM
What does a drummer use for a contraceptive?

His personality

Roland
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: JPage on September 27, 2005, 12:53:39 PM
How can you tell the stage is level?

The drummer drools from both sides of his mouth.

JP
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: loumt123 on September 27, 2005, 02:01:53 PM
lol that was a good one
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: bno on September 27, 2005, 02:50:37 PM
Why Alex always smiling?

He can't seem to stop playing with his Fly...

ba dump bump.

Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: corksailor on September 27, 2005, 03:47:35 PM
Guitar is the only thing that gets better if you keep picking at it....



Corksailor
P-38
Fender Ultimate Chorus
Little Peavey
Seagull Acoustic
Yamaha 12 string
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: Bigbore on September 27, 2005, 07:06:27 PM
"Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician."
"Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both."
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: David Tomkins on September 28, 2005, 01:59:21 AM
that's the winner so far!!

how do you know when there is a drummer outside your door?  
The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know when to come in.....
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: David Tomkins on September 28, 2005, 02:05:36 AM
How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
none - the keyboard player can do it
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: JPage on September 28, 2005, 09:19:45 AM
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.  One to turn the bulb and the other to watch the world revolve around him.
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: NathanO on September 28, 2005, 10:13:22 AM
How do you know when a drummer is at you door?

The nock slows down.
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: bostjan on September 29, 2005, 04:38:32 PM
why do drummers join bands?

they like to hang out with musicians. [;)]
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: DrJeff on October 07, 2005, 11:05:57 AM
One of my favorites...
What's the difference between a burning house and a burning banjo player?
   (They usually try to put the house fire out)

Saw that one coming, didn't you?



Rgds,
Jeff
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: David Tomkins on October 12, 2005, 11:28:47 AM
how do you get a guitarist to slow down?
put some manuscript in front of him
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: David Tomkins on October 12, 2005, 11:44:46 AM
what's the difference between a bass guitar and a trampoline?
you take your shoes off when jumping on a trampoline[:D]

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Hendrix tune?
Evidently all of them......[:)]

How do you stop a drummer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water[;)]

What is the difference between a bassist and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once[B)]
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: Ocker on October 12, 2005, 02:30:42 PM
How many guitar player's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
5.. 1 to do the job and 4 to stand around telling each other how much better they would have done it.

Only through death may one truly live!
(soon to have 2005 Mojo Flame)
2003 MWC handcrafted Dragonfly W GK internal
1988 Vantage Vp850 W GK2
A myriad of accoustics
VG*8ex
GR*30
Rawda industries custom pedal board
A plethora of effects
1974 VT Twin 60
1972 VT Phasor Twin
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: Ocker on October 12, 2005, 02:31:59 PM
Whats the best thing you can get a musician for his birthday?
A Girlfriend with a job!

Only through death may one truly live!
(soon to have 2005 Mojo Flame)
2003 MWC handcrafted Dragonfly W GK internal
1988 Vantage Vp850 W GK2
A myriad of accoustics
VG*8ex
GR*30
Rawda industries custom pedal board
A plethora of effects
1974 VT Twin 60
1972 VT Phasor Twin
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: NathanO on October 12, 2005, 02:55:55 PM
whats the difference between a drummer and cheess?

cheese matures eventually :D

i actually made that up my self.. im quite impressed :P
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: telecasterkid on October 23, 2005, 11:47:17 AM
"New Stompboxes......."

Active pickup: (Amplifies "signals" to attractive members of the audience.)
Time distorter: (Makes solos seem longer. Can also be achieved by ineptitude.)
Blame shifter: (Drops mistakes down an octave, so the audience thinks the bass player did it.)
Depander: (Filters out popular cover songs.)
Overjive: (Makes a good tune sound like the latest garbage.)
Fluff box: (Filters out musical substance.)
Rehash: (Stores and plays back your favorite riffs forever.)
Feedback eliminator: (Removes constructive criticism.)
Depressor: (Changes any chord to E minor.)
Paralytic Equalizer: (Makes you as good as other guitarists in band by injecting them with nerve toxins.)


Kevin Schertell
www.burningindecember.com
CD "No Way Out" Available now!
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: loumt123 on October 23, 2005, 11:55:24 AM
Feedback Eliminator and Blame shifter are hilarious lol
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: TheGuitarGuy on October 24, 2005, 02:00:49 AM
How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven, one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.


What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.






Parker PM-20(Bubinga)
Hondo Paul Dean II(Customized)
Marchis Les Paul Copy(1970)
Garnet Lil' Rock Tube Amp[2 piece](1970)
Behringer Vintager Amp
Dan Electro Dan Echo
Dan Electro Free Speech(talk box)
Dan Electro Grilled Cheese
Dunlop Fuzz Face
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Original Boss Chorus Ensemble
KORG 2 channel Volume Pedal
KORG ToneWorks AX1500G
Fostex MR-8HD
DAVA Control Picks
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: David Tomkins on October 24, 2005, 09:03:00 AM
where can i get a "blameshifter" pedal??!!  i need one all the time!
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: DrJeff on October 25, 2005, 12:30:08 PM
C Eb and G walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Hey, we don't serve minors!"



Rgds,
Jeff
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: Rozz on October 25, 2005, 01:34:07 PM
What do you get when you throw a grand piano down a mine shaft?
A Flat Minor!

What has three legs and a butt hole on top of it?
A Drum Throne!

Jerry Rosner
Original Yuma, Arizona Mad Man
Emerald Green Fly Classic
P-36
Gibson Chet Atkins Nylon
Vetta II
Gallien Kruger Guitar Amp through 4X10 Yamaha Cab.
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: trap on October 25, 2005, 03:59:56 PM
-why is a guitar player like a vacuum cleaner? plug them in and they both suck!                      
- did you hear about the accordianist who left his accordian in the back seat of his car while he ate? yeah, he rushed out and sure enough someone had broken in and left two more accordians!
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: Bill on November 04, 2005, 06:34:51 AM
Playing Parker Flys can make you Mentally Guitarded!![:p]--Ok swaggers, I want that one on a bumper sticker!!![:0][:D]

Fly Deluxe 2000;Gibson es 137;       AlverezYari '75; SchecterDisposable; Martin Backpacker
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: Gordman on November 04, 2005, 07:42:48 PM
"Mentally Guitarded."  Politically incorrect, but I like it!
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: JPage on November 07, 2005, 01:26:56 PM
Can't resist - check this out...

http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

John
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: JSanta on November 07, 2005, 01:35:04 PM
That is classic!  I bookmarked it so I can show everyone!

-Jim

"Do not speak.  Unless it improves on silence."
           -Buddha
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: NathanO on November 07, 2005, 03:54:52 PM
hilarious :P
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: KOK on November 10, 2005, 04:11:27 AM
How do you know if a guitarist is at a party?
He is going to tell you.
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: sfw on November 11, 2005, 10:01:41 AM
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1, no 3, no 5.

-s

P-38
Kinman Fender Starcaster
Yamaha FG-410
Roland MicroCube
Barbie Electric w/matching mic
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: Rozz on December 15, 2005, 07:20:18 PM
I heard this one from a senior citizen:

What happens when a dead head quits taken psychodellics?  They ask "what the hell is that awfull music?"

Jerry Rosner
Original Yuma, Arizona Mad Man
Emerald Green Fly Classic
P-36
Gibson Chet Atkins Nylon
Vetta II
Gallien Kruger Guitar Amp through 4X10 Yamaha Cab.
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: splitfinger on December 16, 2005, 03:47:16 PM
so thesse two guys walk into a bar.....














i forget the punchline but your moms a whore.

yo.
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: Bill on December 16, 2005, 10:29:27 PM
Subtle differeces between guitarists and drummers: Only one out of 10,000 guitarists can fill a stadium; but 9,999 drummers out of 10,000 could empty one. [|)]

Fly Deluxe 2000;Gibson es 137;       AlverezYari '75; SchecterDisposable; Martin Backpacker
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: bostjan on December 17, 2005, 01:44:58 AM
how can you sound good with a les paul?
sell it and buy a parker.

why do some bands have two drummers?
so they can keep each other company not showing up for practice.

what's the difference between lead guitar and bass guitar?
nothing, the lead guitar only looks smaller because the guy playing it has a big head.

how do you make your bass player sound better?
turn off his amp.

how do you make your drummer sound better?
shoot him.

why do bands have keyboards in them?
so they don't spill beer on their amps.
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: guitarmanuk on November 19, 2006, 03:30:01 PM
Following a request on another threas to "bump" this up top again, here are a few more.

An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass Solo".


What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
One of them eventually matures and earns money.

What do you call a musician who doesn't have a girl friend?
Homeless!

Thank you, I'll be here all week! [:D]

David

1997 Parker Fly Classic transparent Teal Green

www.dancineasy.co.uk my wedding/function band
www.saxandguitar.co.uk my sax and guitar duo
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: guitarmanuk on November 19, 2006, 04:16:12 PM
My bass player just sent me this one:

A guitarist had a New Year's gig with his band. It was going very well. The band was enjoying it, the audience was digging it and the club owner was ecstatic. "Hey, you guys are great!" the club owner exclaimed, "I'd like book you for next New Year's Eve next year. Are you available?" "As a matter of fact we are," answered the guitarist. "Well, consider it booked then!" "Thanks very much," answered the guitarist, "Is it all right if I leave my gear here?"
 


David

1997 Parker Fly Classic transparent Teal Green

www.dancineasy.co.uk my wedding/function band
www.saxandguitar.co.uk my sax and guitar duo
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: Lwinn171 on November 19, 2006, 10:12:18 PM
What's the difference between a jazz musician and an extra large pizza? An extra large pizza can feed a family of four...

Lawrence Winn
"42.7 percent of all statistics are made-up on the spot."
2001 Fly Classic, Green
Larivee Parlour Guitar
Several inferior others
Mesa Boogie MK IV
Marshall 2-12 cab
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: guitarmanuk on November 20, 2006, 11:43:39 AM
Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo. . .

He's just finished playing his Seventies classic Sir Duke. The crowd is still going wild when a young Japanese man at the front says, "Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie plays an F# minor 7 on his keyboard and goes off on a jazz riff.

The Japanese man says, "No Stevie Wonder, you play a jazz chord!" So Stevie tries an A maj 13 and off he goes with the band on this amazing improvised moment. When he's finished, the lad says, "No Stevie, a jazz chord, a jazz chord!"

By now old Stevie is a little confused. "What do you mean, play a jazz chord? I've just done 2 for you..?" he says to the fan. "But it best song of Stevie Wonder! It bery famous!" comes the reply. Ok, well how does it go then?", enquires the blind musical genius.

The young Japanese man clears his throat and starts to sing:

"A jazz chord.............to say, I ruv you..."


David

1997 Parker Fly Classic transparent Teal Green

www.dancineasy.co.uk my wedding/function band
www.saxandguitar.co.uk my sax and guitar duo
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: jwrooker on December 10, 2006, 07:00:13 AM
quote:
Originally posted by Bill

Ok Here is a new one.


How do you drive an uptight white boy nuts ?

Give him a Parker Fly, a Vox AD**VT, and a D-Tar Moma Bear and tell him to find the best tone.


If someone could write a mathematical formula for the number of tone variations produced by the various combinations of these 3 things , they could possibly win a Nobile Prize.





In this house, it's called "How to keep a moron busy for hours"  [:D]



[img=left]http://jwrooker.com/images/parkerforum/sig.jpg[/img=left]
John Rooker
Rochester, NY
98 Fly Classic Emerald Green
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: Bill on December 10, 2006, 03:36:21 PM
quote:
Originally posted by Wilmington only

How can you tell when there's a chick singer at the front door?
Can't find her key, doesn't know when to come in.

What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His amp.

What do you say to a banjo player in a 3-piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise

A guy walks in on a wake at a local bar. He's met at the door by one of the patrons who explains that they're mourning an accordion player who died peniless. The patron asks the guy if he can spare five dollars to help bury an accordion player.
The guy hands the patron a ten and says "here, bury two"

A sax player walks past a bar.......
Stop laughing, it could happen

There's no money above the fifth fret




[:D][:D][:D][:D] Great ones !




Custom '03 Hardtail Artist ; Fly Deluxe 2000; Gibson ES137; 1974 K.Yari DY85; SchecterDisposable; Martin Backpacker/paddle combo;LarriveeParlor;VoxAD30VT;SWR California Blonde
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: Mad955i on December 12, 2006, 07:30:51 AM
Q. How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One two, one two.
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: jamrcat on February 03, 2007, 12:11:10 PM
Here's one I can relate to! [:D]
(http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g318/siennaband/GuitarPlayingPastor.gif)

01' Parker Fly Classic w/SD Black Backs
05' Parker TR P-36 Modified w/SD's
Korg AX1500G, D-Tar Mama Bear

jamrcat
Butte, Montana
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: Bill on December 12, 2007, 08:30:15 PM
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer's arm?
A: A tattoo.


Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"
 

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.


Custom '03 Hardtail MoJarzio(Mojo with stock Dimarzio's); Custom '03 Hardtail Artist;Custom '98 Artist w Duncans;Ruby Red Fly Deluxe 2000; Gorgeous Gibson ES137(4sale); 1974 K.Yari DY85; SchecterDisposable; Martin Backpacker/paddle combo;VoxAD30VT;SWR California Blonde
Title: Musician Jokes
Post by: mountaindewaddict on December 13, 2007, 12:10:56 AM
quote:
Originally posted by jamrcat

Here's one I can relate to! [:D]
(http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g318/siennaband/GuitarPlayingPastor.gif)



Hilarious!  The funny thing is, I have thought about doing a "first person" sermon as Job and covering "Man of Constant Sorrow" from O Brother Where Art Thou.

MountainDewAddict (Casey)

Gear:
Parker P-44, Ibanez GAX 70, Takamine G-Series,  Digitech GNX4, Yamaha Magicstomp, Crate Powerblock 150, Various other assorted pedals and gizmos

"Remember, if at first you don't succeed, you're doing it wrong."

God Bless!
Title: Re: Musician Jokes
Post by: Bill on October 28, 2012, 07:50:17 PM
Wake up ! We need new musician jokes !
Title: Re: Musician Jokes
Post by: Patzag on October 28, 2012, 10:02:07 PM
mmm? What time is it?
Title: Re: Musician Jokes
Post by: Bill on October 28, 2012, 11:19:51 PM
During a bluegrass band's rehearsal, the banjo player breaks out into a string of curses, aimed at the guitarist. Asked what the problem is, he replies, "That guy untuned one of my strings, and he won't tell me which one it was!"
Title: Re: Musician Jokes
Post by: Twanking45 on October 29, 2012, 10:58:56 AM
How do you know when there's a banjo player at your door?
His hat says "Domino's".
Title: Re: Musician Jokes
Post by: Twanking45 on October 29, 2012, 11:01:05 AM
A man and his son were walking through a cemetery. The boy asked, "Daddy, do they bury two people in the same grave?"

The father said, "Two people? Let me look."

So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man."
Title: Re: Musician Jokes
Post by: Twanking45 on October 29, 2012, 11:02:23 AM

What do you call a musician who doesn't have a girl friend?
Homeless!
Title: Re: Musician Jokes
Post by: Twanking45 on October 29, 2012, 11:06:11 AM
Not an actual joke but, I feel, better than a joke:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bassist-unaware-rock-band-christian,407/ (http://www.theonion.com/articles/bassist-unaware-rock-band-christian,407/)
Title: Re: Musician Jokes
Post by: bno on October 30, 2012, 06:30:11 PM
Not an actual joke but, I feel, better than a joke:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bassist-unaware-rock-band-christian,407/ (http://www.theonion.com/articles/bassist-unaware-rock-band-christian,407/)
Now that's funny.....
Title: Re: Musician Jokes
Post by: luke_h on December 06, 2012, 07:23:45 AM
Guitar jokes, Thanks